JAWS 5
or
"How I Learned to love London and hate all Sharks"
or
"How I Learned to love London and hate all Sharks"
(CG) Will need to be rendered in post production.
(PP COMPANY) Possible product placement slot.
Opening scene.
SUBTITLE June 1st 2012 London, England
 |
| River Toffs |
While preparing breakfast one of the toffs, toff B, gets Jam (PP Robinson’s) all over his face. While dipping his face in the water to wash off an unseen assailant bites off his head. Blood everywhere. Toff A falls in and there is some underwater commotion, but the cause remains unseen.
DUN-DUN-DERRR
Opening Credits
Single shot from plane nosecone as it flies along the Thames. Credits explode out of river into shot. Sequence ends as plane crashes into Tower Bridge and cut to a father admonishing his son for flying a model aeroplane into a national treasure. He tells the boy Tower Bridge was built by Cromwell himself using the stony hearts of dead Irishmen. He also says it will be the finale point for the Queen’s Jubilee Flotilla, a Flotilla of boats on the river to celebrate the anniversary of the Queen being annointed Queen by the supreme Englishman, God.
The police have arrived at the scene of the toff massacre on the river. 300 police officers (CG) attend and 299 of them ascribe the incident to “homosexualisms” except for Officer Sargent Lieutenant (on transfer in an exchange program from Amity Police Department) who insists it is a Great White Shark. Everyone laughs loudly at him for several minutes. He gets angry and storms off.
Scene 3
General shots of London life. Children paddling in the Thames, big signs being put up for the Flotilla route and shots of sunshine (CG) and the sun (CG). Every other person to be dressed as a pearly king/queen (as appropriate) or a Dickensian street urchin.
Scene 4
 |
| An Idiot |
Scene 5
Back at the police station Officer Lieutenant tries to convince the chief that there is a great white on the loose up the Thames. The Chief belittles him and is at pains to stress that “that’s not how we do things here” and that his counterpart is probably experiencing the same “fish out of water” problems. Cut to Amity as London policeman Billy Pebbles is walking along a pier with the Amity Police Chief.
Pebbles: Well it sure is sunny here, I hope I don’t get burnt.
APC: Or eaten by a shark.
They laugh and APC slaps Pebbles on the back, who falls in the water and is submerged. There is some commotion and blood but he never resurfaces. He is dad dead.
Scene 6
SUBTITLE June 2nd 2012
Officer Lieutenant is at the morgue at dawn arguing with the coroner about whether the corpses show love bites or shark bites. It ends with the coroner making a withering putdown about “watching too much Quincy.” Officer leaves and asks the first person he sees where the nearest Thames Peddalo (PP does Thames Peddalo exist or have I made it up?) rental facility is.
Scene 7
The Mayor and Police chief are aboard a boat on the Thames enjoying a champagne breakfast. After some light banter they move away and discuss Officer Lieutenant. He’s a lunatic wild card type and with all this bleedin’ shark hullabaloo he might ruin the whole flotilla. They agree to make sure that he’s kept away from the river for the rest of the weekend.
Scene 8
 |
| Speed Peddalo |
Scene 9
When he exits the shower the Chief is sitting in his room waiting. They argue. In the end the Chief orders Lieutenant to take Sunday off or face public disturbance charges which carry a maximum penalty of 8 hours community service. In Shoreditch. The Chief leaves and Lieutenant gets drunk.
Scene 10
Late at night a man hires a Dickensian whore and escorts her down to the riverbank. They are heartily engaged in a 69 when out of the murky river blackness a shape lurches and bites them in half. Meanwhile two drunk fisherman are illegally fishing for swordfish. Something happens and they are eaten. An Elderly couple are looking for their dog Rothko (eaten) and are on the pebble shore. They are eaten. As are the following: Swedish Chef looking for a spatula, Treasure hunter looking for Disraeli’s lost gold and a Tower of London guide who is weeing in traitor’s gate.
Scene 11
Lieutenant’s hotel room. He has gone proper pissed mental. He is very drunk, the windows are smashed and curtains blow in the breeze. He has cut his chest with glass and written on the wall in blood “Sharky Shark Bitey Bite” many times. He crumples over his laptop and the phone rings. It’s the morgue, can he come right away? He sobers instantly.
Scene 12
Over at the morgue it is an anarchy of people bustling around. Some blood stained. Lieutenant pushes his way through the crowd and is taken into a back room where the pathologist, chief and mayor are waiting. They explain the bodies but say they still didn’t want to believe it was a shark. The pathologist presses the intercom on his desk and asks the secretary to send Wanda in. In comes the whore from earlier but now below the waste, instead of her own legs the punters legs. She explains how she knew it was a shark attack because her mother kept sharks on their shark farm in South Sharkshire. She begs Lieutenant to get that bastard shark that has ruined the one job she ever really loved.
Scene 13
SUBTITLE June 3rd 2012 4:00 AM
Down at London Police Station Lieutenant is co-ordinating officers with harpoon guns, depth charges, Bermuda shorts etc. A junior flunky rushes up to him just as he’s finishing a conversation with someone else. It turns out the flunky has been sent to find a shark expert but they are all in Australia at the annual Shark Examinationers AGM.
DAMN!
Scene 14
SUBTITLE 5:00 AM
Scene 15
SUBTITLE 5:30 AM
As they drive to the next house Lieutenant explains to Wanda and Flunky that in America there was a woman who could sense sharks just by touching the sea. They are going to get a psychic! They pull up at a house. It is Mystic Meg’s house. She answers the door and said she knew they were coming and will be with them in five minutes as she just needs to “finish off” Russell Grant. Meg’s dialogue is peppered with horrendous obscenities and references to depraved behaviour by her and all members of the psychic/astrologic community.
SUBTITLE 6:30 AM
Lieutenant, Wanda, Flunky and Meg are doing final prep on a boat. They are loading supplies. Lieutenant and Wanda exchange looks. Some fearful, some erotic and some neither. Once supplies are aboard they begin the process of attaching Meg to the side of the boat so she can “psychic shark sonar this mother” and they set off into the icy dawn of a morning from which they may never come back (CG.)
 |
| Mystic Shark Bait |
SUBTITLE 9:30 AM
After several hours of pootling around Meg has yet to locate the shark. She says it’s nowhere nearby and it immediately attacks the boat killing her savagely. In the thirty seconds it takes to kill Meg she uses the C word 24 times, the F word 17 times and swears revenge on Derek Accorah. This is the first time we really see the shark and it is clear it is no ordinary shark It has a a huge metal plate over one side of it’s face and a bionic eye that shoots a red beam that it uses for aiming it’s bites. Some people on the banks see the shark and panic. One distressed and confused woman throws her new born baby into the shark's mouth so that she can get away. Unfortunately the site of a shark eating her baby drives her mad and she dives in after it and is promptly eaten by the shark.
Scene 18
SUBTITLE Lunchtime!
Flunky, Lieutenant and Wanda race along the south bank fighting through tourists. Wanda is having trouble with her man legs and so Flunky carries her. They get to the police boat staging point and explain to the captain what happened. The boats leave in formation and head back towards the proposed start of the flotilla. During this sequence as many GPS, Radar and Sonar pings will need to be added in. Perhaps someone would remix the sound from this section for an Avant Garde single to accompany the film. Aphex Twin?
They arrive just as the queen is boarding her ship. The police turn their boats around form into the shape of a defensive Hippopotamus and lead off the flotilla.
Bits of conversation over the radio between boats…
“The water’s quiet…too quiet”
“Where do they keep religious sharks? In the Shark of the Covenant”
“All this fuss over nothing.”
“How many sharks does it take to change a lightbulb? 7”
“Shark the herald angels sing”
“ What music do sharks like? Shark-ira”
"Which of the Marx brothers was a shark? Sharko"
"Which of the Marx brothers was a shark? Sharko"
Then Lieutenant (on the roof of the boat at the end of the defensive hippopotamus’ tail) sees the tip off the fin of the shark and orders everyone ready. The shark attacks.
Now Guile shark is super pissed because his homey is down. He makes a bee line for the Queen’s boat. Lieutenant is in no position to stop it an the only people left alive are Flunky (a man with no name) and Wanda (the sodden half a whore.)
Alternating shots of the shark’s POV and the Queen’s. She seems to be goading the shark and opens her handbag and begins throwing raw meat from it in the shark’s direction. Everything is building to a tense conclusion. As the edits get quicker and quicker the Shark finally makes a lunge for the Queen and at the critical moment the queen side steps and reveals the Duke of Edinburgh, Blunderbuss and all, who cries “Get your mouth away from my wife you dirty shark faced foreign bastard.” He fires an improbable/impossible 20 rounds from the blunderbuss the first 19 of which merely graze Guile shark but the 20th causes him to explode like Bionic Shark but also with a fireball and a faint cry of “hadouken.”
Parody of the scene at the end of A New Hope but with Flunky, Wanda and Lieutenant receiving medals from the queen and Mayor Englishman. Afterwards at a drinks celebration someone will casually ask what a warm saltwater shark was doing in the Thames and a hitherto unnoticed scientist will say something like…
“Due to global warming water is now hotter everywhere. So where it used to be fine it is now too hot for sharks so they came here. It’s Global warming and there is literally nothing you can do to stop it. Trust me I'm a scientist.”
Wanda and Lieutenant are leaving the reception and as they stand looking into the sunset they exchange pleasantries that indicate the are in love forever, but if there’s a sequel then they might be having a rocky patch in their relationship.
THE END
CREDITS
 |
| Officer Sargent Lieutenant relaxing |
The Chief – Brian Blessed
Pathologist – David Tennant
Mayor Englishman – Stephen Fry
Wanda – Melinda Messenger
Flunky – Lee Evans
Officer Pebbles – Pete Docherty
Wanda’s Legs – Guest Cameo by Lenny Henry
Mystic Meg – Herself (RIP)
The Queen – Rusty Lee
Prince Philip – Ray Winstone
Shark Voices – Frank Welker
Final After Credits scene
Subtitle A few days later…
A camera on the surface of the water films the bottom of the Jubilee memorial water slides at the Tate as a child emerges from the bottom he is savagely eaten and shredded by a shark in super slo motion. Blood Everywhere.
TITLE CARD: Officer Sargent Lieutenant will be back in JAWS 6 (This time it’s still for money)
Production Notes
To save money on prosthetics Wanda should only be shot from the waste up during the second half of the film to avoid the need for expensive Lenny Henry legs. Everyone should have hyper English accents so foreigners understand it’s in London. A London monument to feature in at least 50% of all shots, preferably 65%.
