Achievement Unlocked: Propose a sequel...

JAWS 5
or
"How I Learned to love London and hate all Sharks"

(CG) Will need to be rendered in post production.

(PP COMPANY) Possible product placement slot.

Opening scene.

SUBTITLE June 1^st 2012 London, England

River Toffs

Two toffs are unpacking a picnic on a rowboat at dawn. They have a conversation explaining that they are getting on the river early for the Queen’s Jubilee Flotilla. Every other word needs to be from the following list to ensure viewer understands this is England, not America: Jove, Cripes, Gilly, Mater, Piccalilli, Majesty, Otter, Noggin, Spanner, Quince, Regina and Blood Pudding.

While preparing breakfast one of the toffs, toff B, gets Jam (PP Robinson’s) all over his face. While dipping his face in the water to wash off an unseen assailant bites off his head. Blood everywhere. Toff A falls in and there is some underwater commotion, but the cause remains unseen.

DUN-DUN-DERRR

Opening Credits

Single shot from plane nosecone as it flies along the Thames. Credits explode out of river into shot. Sequence ends as plane crashes into Tower Bridge and cut to a father admonishing his son for flying a model aeroplane into a national treasure. He tells the boy Tower Bridge was built by Cromwell himself using the stony hearts of dead Irishmen. He also says it will be the finale point for the Queen’s Jubilee Flotilla, a Flotilla of boats on the river to celebrate the anniversary of the Queen being annointed Queen by the supreme Englishman, God.

A normal London policeman, laughing.

Scene 2

The police have arrived at the scene of the toff massacre on the river. 300 police officers (CG) attend and 299 of them ascribe the incident to “homosexualisms” except for Officer Sargent Lieutenant (on transfer in an exchange program from Amity Police Department) who insists it is a Great White Shark. Everyone laughs loudly at him for several minutes. He gets angry and storms off.

Scene 3

General shots of London life. Children paddling in the Thames, big signs being put up for the Flotilla route and shots of sunshine (CG) and the sun (CG). Every other person to be dressed as a pearly king/queen (as appropriate) or a Dickensian street urchin.

Scene 4

An Idiot

Mayor Englishman is unveiling some Jubilee waterslides from the top of the Tate Modern down into the Thames. He says it is a proud day for London. He is dressed half as a posh city banker and half as left wing icon Citizen Smith. After the press conference as the mayor is leaving Officer Sargent Lieutenant barges through the crowd and tries to convince the mayor there is a shark loose on the Thames. Everyone laughs at him for several minutes. People shout colloquial insults at him such as: Numpty, Clutch Weasel, Spatch lump, Mung Bollard, Crepe season and Dolph Berger. Ricky Gervais chimes in at the end and calls him a mong. Mayor Englishman shoots him in the head and crowd rip his body to shreds. In the commotion the Mayor slips away and Officer Lieutenant is left standing in pool of annoyance and frustration (CG)

Scene 5

Back at the police station Officer Lieutenant tries to convince the chief that there is a great white on the loose up the Thames. The Chief belittles him and is at pains to stress that “that’s not how we do things here” and that his counterpart is probably experiencing the same “fish out of water” problems. Cut to Amity as London policeman Billy Pebbles is walking along a pier with the Amity Police Chief.

Pebbles: Well it sure is sunny here, I hope I don’t get burnt.

APC: Or eaten by a shark.

They laugh and APC slaps Pebbles on the back, who falls in the water and is submerged. There is some commotion and blood but he never resurfaces. He is dad dead.

Scene 6

SUBTITLE June 2^nd 2012

Officer Lieutenant is at the morgue at dawn arguing with the coroner about whether the corpses show love bites or shark bites. It ends with the coroner making a withering putdown about “watching too much Quincy.” Officer leaves and asks the first person he sees where the nearest Thames Peddalo (PP does Thames Peddalo exist or have I made it up?) rental facility is.

Scene 7

The Mayor and Police chief are aboard a boat on the Thames enjoying a champagne breakfast. After some light banter they move away and discuss Officer Lieutenant. He’s a lunatic wild card type and with all this bleedin’ shark hullabaloo he might ruin the whole flotilla. They agree to make sure that he’s kept away from the river for the rest of the weekend.

Scene 8

Speed Peddalo

No Dialogue. Shots of Officer Lieutenant pedalling up and down the Thames. He has ostentatiously large binoculars , is wearing a wetsuit and sucking on a lollipop. There are numerous instances of him having false attacks of sharky panic. As dusk falls, he is seen heading back to his hotel. Pensive shots on the bus, wondering up carnaby street (turns a corner and is at London Bridge where he get’s an over ground train to Kensington) and arrives back at the hotel. He has a shower to try and wash away the failure. He fails.

Scene 9

When he exits the shower the Chief is sitting in his room waiting. They argue. In the end the Chief orders Lieutenant to take Sunday off or face public disturbance charges which carry a maximum penalty of 8 hours community service. In Shoreditch. The Chief leaves and Lieutenant gets drunk.

Scene 10

Late at night a man hires a Dickensian whore and escorts her down to the riverbank. They are heartily engaged in a 69 when out of the murky river blackness a shape lurches and bites them in half. Meanwhile two drunk fisherman are illegally fishing for swordfish. Something happens and they are eaten. An Elderly couple are looking for their dog Rothko (eaten) and are on the pebble shore. They are eaten. As are the following: Swedish Chef looking for a spatula, Treasure hunter looking for Disraeli’s lost gold and a Tower of London guide who is weeing in traitor’s gate.

Scene 11

Lieutenant’s hotel room. He has gone proper pissed mental. He is very drunk, the windows are smashed and curtains blow in the breeze. He has cut his chest with glass and written on the wall in blood “Sharky Shark Bitey Bite” many times. He crumples over his laptop and the phone rings. It’s the morgue, can he come right away? He sobers instantly.

Scene 12

Over at the morgue it is an anarchy of people bustling around. Some blood stained. Lieutenant pushes his way through the crowd and is taken into a back room where the pathologist, chief and mayor are waiting. They explain the bodies but say they still didn’t want to believe it was a shark. The pathologist presses the intercom on his desk and asks the secretary to send Wanda in. In comes the whore from earlier but now below the waste, instead of her own legs the punters legs. She explains how she knew it was a shark attack because her mother kept sharks on their shark farm in South Sharkshire. She begs Lieutenant to get that bastard shark that has ruined the one job she ever really loved.

Scene 13

SUBTITLE June 3^rd 2012 4:00 AM

Down at London Police Station Lieutenant is co-ordinating officers with harpoon guns, depth charges, Bermuda shorts etc. A junior flunky rushes up to him just as he’s finishing a conversation with someone else. It turns out the flunky has been sent to find a shark expert but they are all in Australia at the annual Shark Examinationers AGM.

DAMN!

Scene 14

SUBTITLE 5:00 AM

Lieutenant and Flunky are banging on a suburban door. Eventually it opens and Wanda is behind it. After initially refusing to help, she decides to help because Lieutenant said he needed her help and looked her in the eye and said she was the only one that could help and if she didn’t help then other people would die and all because she couldn’t swallow her fear and help. For shame. She says she can’t help alone and he says that’s OK because he has a plan. In this scene every instance of the word help is to be dubbed over with the first shout of Help! By The Beatles in their pop classic Help! (Macca says it’s fine as long as we credit his name before John’s in the credits.)

Scene 15

SUBTITLE 5:30 AM

As they drive to the next house Lieutenant explains to Wanda and Flunky that in America there was a woman who could sense sharks just by touching the sea. They are going to get a psychic! They pull up at a house. It is Mystic Meg’s house. She answers the door and said she knew they were coming and will be with them in five minutes as she just needs to “finish off” Russell Grant. Meg’s dialogue is peppered with horrendous obscenities and references to depraved behaviour by her and all members of the psychic/astrologic community.

Scene 16

SUBTITLE 6:30 AM

Lieutenant, Wanda, Flunky and Meg are doing final prep on a boat. They are loading supplies. Lieutenant and Wanda exchange looks. Some fearful, some erotic and some neither. Once supplies are aboard they begin the process of attaching Meg to the side of the boat so she can “psychic shark sonar this mother” and they set off into the icy dawn of a morning from which they may never come back (CG.)

Mystic Shark Bait

Scene 17

SUBTITLE 9:30 AM

After several hours of pootling around Meg has yet to locate the shark. She says it’s nowhere nearby and it immediately attacks the boat killing her savagely. In the thirty seconds it takes to kill Meg she uses the C word 24 times, the F word 17 times and swears revenge on Derek Accorah. This is the first time we really see the shark and it is clear it is no ordinary shark It has a a huge metal plate over one side of it’s face and a bionic eye that shoots a red beam that it uses for aiming it’s bites. Some people on the banks see the shark and panic. One distressed and confused woman throws her new born baby into the shark's mouth so that she can get away. Unfortunately the site of a shark eating her baby drives her mad and she dives in after it and is promptly eaten by the shark.

Scene 18

SUBTITLE Lunchtime!

Flunky, Lieutenant and Wanda race along the south bank fighting through tourists. Wanda is having trouble with her man legs and so Flunky carries her. They get to the police boat staging point and explain to the captain what happened. The boats leave in formation and head back towards the proposed start of the flotilla. During this sequence as many GPS, Radar and Sonar pings will need to be added in. Perhaps someone would remix the sound from this section for an Avant Garde single to accompany the film. Aphex Twin?

They arrive just as the queen is boarding her ship. The police turn their boats around form into the shape of a defensive Hippopotamus and lead off the flotilla.

Bits of conversation over the radio between boats…

“The water’s quiet…too quiet”

“Where do they keep religious sharks? In the Shark of the Covenant”

“All this fuss over nothing.”

“How many sharks does it take to change a lightbulb? 7”

“Shark the herald angels sing”

“ What music do sharks like? Shark-ira”
"Which of the Marx brothers was a shark? Sharko"

Then Lieutenant (on the roof of the boat at the end of the defensive hippopotamus’ tail) sees the tip off the fin of the shark and orders everyone ready. The shark attacks.

Most of the boats are taken down pretty easy and it is going well for the shark, however Lieutenant is about fire a rocket launcher when he is distracted by a second shark. This one, slightly even bigger than the first is a normal shark but with the haircut of Guile from Streetfighter 2. He joins the other shark in attacking the defensive Hippopotamus. Unfortunately Lieutenant only brought one rocket because he thought there was only one shark. He leaps from wrecked boat to wreckage to boats and eventualy is face to face with Bionic Eye Shark As it flies towards him with it’s mouth open he fires the rocket into it’s mouth saying “Eat this rocket Shark Lips” and the shark explodes in a grotesque torrent of guts and organs and offal and bile and bone and teeth and skin and flesh and that stuff you get between ribs and errr all the stuff the shark had eaten and its wallet and keys. Basically all of it goes flying in every direction.

Now Guile shark is super pissed because his homey is down. He makes a bee line for the Queen’s boat. Lieutenant is in no position to stop it an the only people left alive are Flunky (a man with no name) and Wanda (the sodden half a whore.)

Alternating shots of the shark’s POV and the Queen’s. She seems to be goading the shark and opens her handbag and begins throwing raw meat from it in the shark’s direction. Everything is building to a tense conclusion. As the edits get quicker and quicker the Shark finally makes a lunge for the Queen and at the critical moment the queen side steps and reveals the Duke of Edinburgh, Blunderbuss and all, who cries “Get your mouth away from my wife you dirty shark faced foreign bastard.” He fires an improbable/impossible 20 rounds from the blunderbuss the first 19 of which merely graze Guile shark but the 20^th causes him to explode like Bionic Shark but also with a fireball and a faint cry of “hadouken.”

Parody of the scene at the end of A New Hope but with Flunky, Wanda and Lieutenant receiving medals from the queen and Mayor Englishman. Afterwards at a drinks celebration someone will casually ask what a warm saltwater shark was doing in the Thames and a hitherto unnoticed scientist will say something like…

“Due to global warming water is now hotter everywhere. So where it used to be fine it is now too hot for sharks so they came here. It’s Global warming and there is literally nothing you can do to stop it. Trust me I'm a scientist.”

Wanda and Lieutenant are leaving the reception and as they stand looking into the sunset they exchange pleasantries that indicate the are in love forever, but if there’s a sequel then they might be having a rocky patch in their relationship.

THE END

CREDITS

Officer Sargent Lieutenant relaxing

Officer Sargent Lieutenant – Kieffer Sutherland

The Chief – Brian Blessed

Pathologist – David Tennant

Mayor Englishman – Stephen Fry

Wanda – Melinda Messenger

Flunky – Lee Evans

Officer Pebbles – Pete Docherty

Wanda’s Legs – Guest Cameo by Lenny Henry

Mystic Meg – Herself (RIP)

The Queen – Rusty Lee

Prince Philip – Ray Winstone

Shark Voices – Frank Welker

Final After Credits scene

Subtitle A few days later…

A camera on the surface of the water films the bottom of the Jubilee memorial water slides at the Tate as a child emerges from the bottom he is savagely eaten and shredded by a shark in super slo motion. Blood Everywhere.

TITLE CARD: Officer Sargent Lieutenant will be back in JAWS 6 (This time it’s still for money)

Production Notes

To save money on prosthetics Wanda should only be shot from the waste up during the second half of the film to avoid the need for expensive Lenny Henry legs. Everyone should have hyper English accents so foreigners understand it’s in London. A London monument to feature in at least 50% of all shots, preferably 65%.